Authentically Joycelynn

Living My Best Authentic Life

Joycelynn

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Going Back to School at 61

Photo by Leslie Reagan Bodin on Unsplash

Exploring and Expanding My Life

Several years ago I took a GRE (Graduate Record Examination) prep course. Most graduate schools required you to take a GRE exam and receive a score acceptable to their institution. I was exploring becoming a Nurse Practitioner and specializing in Oncology. There were several things happening in my life at that time. I was in school working on completing a Bachelor of Science in Nursing, my daughter was going to back school to get her degree to become a registered nurse, and our oldest son had returned from his time in Iraq. I felt life was too overwhelming to continue with school.

That GRE prep course was difficult. I had always prided myself in being a great math student. I have been out of school so many years that the math prep section was challenging to say the least. One other very important piece of information. I was incredibly burned out in nursing. Ultimately, I left my Monday through Friday oncology management position, started a weekend nights position as a staff nurse on an oncology unit, began watching my young grandson so my daughter could finish nursing school, realized my son back from Iraq was suffering complications from PTSD and Traumatic Brain Injury, and was on a path to figure out how to leave nursing far far behind…

Times of Uncertainty

The next several years were filled with uncertainty and depression. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I probably never did know who I was. I was grasping to have peace in my life. I had hit a real emotional crisis.The space between where I was and where I wanted to be was a deep gaping hole and I didn’t know how to bridge the gap. I found some answers becoming a wellness coach and enjoyed learning more about alternative health.I had thoughts if I poured enough of my time and attention toward learning alternative health, I could leave nursing.

Over the next few years I studied herbalism, aromatherapy, wellness, and even ran a successful essential oils business. The ups and downs became more downs related to my son’s emotional health. I took on the need to “save” him from himself. I found it difficult to complete programs I’d started. Much of my time was spent worried that I was going to lose him to suicide. So many military were taking their lives and I just could not get peace in my own life. I didn’t know how to find real peace. I wasn’t finding complete comfort through my faith. Even though I was a wellness coach, it was difficult to release my deep fears and allow peace to fill my soul. I continued to fall deeper into this dark abyss. I wanted out of nursing, yet I felt I needed to have it “all together” before I could be effective in business so I could leave nursing.

A Mom’s Worst Nightmare Realized

Most of you know my story. We lost our oldest son to suicide, as a result of his military PTSD and TBI. I still stand by my belief that he was on so many mind altering drugs prescribed by the VA. All the medications he was on had suicide ideation as a side effect. When the drugs were at their peak at around 3:00 AM on 1/17/2017, there was no way he could have had full knowledge and understanding of the implications of pulling that trigger. He always did stuff in the middle of the night when he was staying with us. He never had any recollection of the things he had done in the middle of the night. Losing a child is something you never get over but I’m now learning how to live through it.

Finding My Way Back To Life

I was paralyzed in my life for over two years. I began receiving life coaching through a wonderful organization called One to One Women Coaching. This was life changing for me. At the end of our time together, I still had many areas left unfinished, however. I’m continuing to work in those areas including de-cluttering my home and organizing.I’m working with Michele Stoltz, Certified Life Coach, to help me with these organizational things. I sold my essential oils business in 2019. This was a major shift for me and so much pressure off me. My main concerning was still to have a big break in business so I could get out of nursing. Even after all these years I still wanted out of nursing. I had planned to retire by the end of 2020. We planned to sell our home to move into a smaller place and get rid of our mortgage. We still plan to sell our home on our minimizing journey, but that’s another story.

I still was looking for something. I didn’t know what but I was still unsettled. The books I wanted to write had not come to fruition yet. They will though. This is still a dream and it’s coming. In November of 2019, I decided to do a 30 day social media fast. I was SO tired of all the drama on twitter and Facebook. Too much of my time was being wasted in these media outlets. I had no idea what I was trying to accomplish, only I knew I was looking for some answers to questions I didn’t know how to ask. I used this time away to read and enjoy my real life.

Time for a Break

Sometime during this social media fast, I had a discussion with the oncologist I work with. I was talking about my one time dream of becoming a nurse practitioner and working in oncology. He said I should do it now. I laughed. Are you kidding me? Did he realize I was 61 years old? He told me age is nothing, and that I would be very good as a nurse practitioner and I should go for it. Hum…I thought about it for a few weeks and put the dream aside. Somehow, this topic of conversation came up with my husband. He agreed and encouraged me to do it… Something shifted in me mentally and emotionally for the good. SO… I’m doing it! It made me feel alive inside when I decided this.

Age is Nothing

I’ve taken the first step. Taking the few months to finish my Bachelor of Nursing. I had already started this, and I will finish it in January of 2021. I’ve already been accepted into an Adult Nurse Practitioner program once I finish my BSN. And just like that…a shift in my life. This shift has put in the best place I have been emotionally for a very long time. I no longer feel the need to leave nursing. I look ahead with anticipation and excitement as this journey is unfolding. Best part… I didn’t have to take the GRE.  Ha!

There has been a confidence shift. I’m back in school at age 61 and I couldn’t feel more alive! I know our son is cheering me on! I’ve only had one negative naysayer about my decision and they are the one with the issue, not me. My 88 year old mother is supportive and thinks it’s great that I’m back in school. My husband and family is supportive. My work peers are supportive. My oncologist doctor is right. Age is nothing.

Convergence & Resurgence

So my thoughts to you as being a wellness coach…this is the most authentic I’ve felt in my entire life. I’m truly living a life. I’ve stepped out in a huge way and feel such peace. I just finished my Healing Touch Practitioner level one. My plan is to be an Adult Nurse Practitioner and blend my experience of oncology and integrative medicine. This feels right. It’s a crossroad of convergence. And for 2020 my word was Resurgence.

So now… If YOU could do and be anyone you desire…what would that look like and what can you choose to do to begin? I’d love to hear your story!

~ Authentically Joycelynn

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Faith & Loss

Faith VS Cynicism

I heard a speaker the other day talk about people having a naivety when it comes life if they have not ever experienced a trauma or tragedy. He spoke of what happens to people when they face a tragedy and the veil of naivety lifts. After a tragedy or real traumatic event, your faith or actually naivety is shattered and you become cynical. He goes on to say that after you become cynical you are actually more wise than you were before. That in itself may not be good because as a cynical person you are not as optimistic as before and not as filled with hope. The speaker is the controversial psychologist Jordan Peterson.

To be honest…that was and somewhat is still true in my life. You see, the first few months after our son died, my faith was strong and unwavering. However, as months went on, and the rawness of my loss continued, I began to lose hope and I became cynical. I began to see God in a different way. I lost trust and faith. I mean, if I couldn’t trust Him, the Almighty, to keep my son safe here on earth, after all the prayers I’d prayed and believed wholeheartedly in being answered, how could I ever trust Him with anything?

Seeking Guidance

A side note to expectations of how my healing would unfold… I reached out to Kay Warren when Brandon died. See, her and her husband Rick Warren are very public figures as pastors of Saddleback Church. As very public figures, when their son committed suicide, anyone who had heard and followed Saddleback Church, new of their son’s suicide. I reached out because I wanted a perspective of her as a ministry wife, and how they were able to heal, or start their healing. She didn’t answer me personally, but had her secretary send me an email, with links to some of her videos where she speaks about their journey.

They took a sabbatical from ministry for about 4 months after losing their son. At the four month time period, they went back into the pulpit. They shared their story, and how at 4 months they had come to a time of acceptance. Well.. Four months. I suppose I thought magically at four months, things would start making sense to me and I’d be at a point of acceptance. When four months came and went, and I was still in a fog, and just as raw in my grief as the day it happened, I became disillusioned. This was my turning point, and when I began to question my faith, and all I’d ever believed in. (I realize now everyone’s journey is different, and there is no timeline on grief and healing…but at the time…who is thinking clearly)

Self Condemnation

Maybe this isn’t anything you’ve ever encountered in your life. Maybe you are reading this and wondering how I could be so shattered in my faith. Or just maybe, you have encountered such pain that you’ve experienced losing your emotional innocence or child-like faith. Don’t think this takes God by surprise. Don’t even be ashamed of it. I mean, if you are having this struggle, God already knows, so just own it. It’s a time to take inventory of your beliefs, and renew your faith, albeit different than before your world was torn apart in front of your eyes.

Honestly, I’m trying to understand why I’m so compelled to share my faith struggles. The only thing I can figure out is that during all this time, even when I really felt like God had totally abandoned me…there was a little small voice somewhere deep in my spirit and I still knew there was a God. I could never just abandon my faith. I could not walk away from it totally. I wanted to. Believe me, I did. However, I could not…would not.

A Light in the Darkness

I must admit, the only thing which made sense in my life…the only thing shedding any understanding on this whole thing was a movie many Christians found extremely controversial. That movie is called “The Shack“. If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it. The basic overview is the struggle of Mack in his faith after his 5 year old daughter went missing during a family fishing/camping vacation. Missy, his daughter, as you find out later in the movie, was taken and killed by a man who was watching the camping area. Mack’s faith hit an all time low, similar to how I felt. I have been able to identify with Mack and his struggles.

My endless “why” questions. If any of you know me personally, I’m never without questions. This is the one trait of mine which has driven my husband crazy with me during our almost 40 years of marriage. I’ve always felt the need to understand the “why” of how anything works. I don’t just blindly do things because someone tells me to. I’ve got this need to understand why I’m doing something the way I’m doing it. That’s actually the mind of someone with critical thinking skills. In the movie The Shack, Mack’s eyes are opened to how God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit actually work in our lives and how the Godhead really love’s him. Not only how God loves Mack, but how God loves His creation.

The movie came out about a month after Brandon died, and I went to see it with a good friend. It helped to watch this at the time, but then I fell into a raw depression, and the fog in my mind was so thick. It’s over two years later, (and two long years of my faith struggle), and I am back to the beginning. Thinking of God’s pure love for me and even though I still do not have questions answered, I am believing I will have more of an understanding into the why of it all.

Expectations

I also have an expectation of a more complete understanding. I’m praying that God share with me in a deep way how to take this pain and grief and create Beauty Out Of The Ashes. I don’t know where you are in your journey. You may be right there with me, ready to begin the journey back home. You may be the person who has had unwavering faith even in your darkest hour. If you’ve never wavered in your faith, bless you.

If you’ve had a time where your faith was shaken to the core, I’d love to hear from you. If you are there now, trying to put the pieces of your life back together, I’d love to hear from you. Oh, by the way, in The Shack, the ending was something I didn’t see coming. The story-line was fiction, but based on spiritual truths from the author’s understanding of the Love of God toward us.

No matter what happens remember this: I have always loved you ” ~ Papa God

When I began writing this particular article, I didn’t know I would be led to share about the love of God or The Shack.  I began sharing my faith struggles. This morning when I woke up, and continued to write, I was reminded of the book and movie. My heart was warmed I remembered how I was touched by God’s love for us. As I’ve finished, my heart of full of joy as I ponder on the way God loves me…but even more important to me in my grief…how he loves my boy Brandon. Right now, in this moment, I feel at peace. It’s time to watch The Shack again. Thank you God for the ability to understand again how much you love me unconditionally…even when I’m angry, when I’m cynical, and when I question “why”.

Authentically Joycelynn

 

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Art for Creativity and Healing

Creativity & Healing

A blog I’ve written on for years has a category called Creativity, or Art for Creativity and Healing as I like to refer to it. I began that wellness blog as a way to write my own nursing burn out story and I shared the things contained in my own healing toolbox, or healing basket. I don’t consider myself artfully talented but I love anything I make with my hands. There is something about creating that releases stress in my life. My mother and grandmother, and all the women in my family ancestry could sew and quilt. Sewing and quilting are creative art forms.

The first dress I made was out of feed sack fabric. I was 8 years old. My grandmothers taught me to knit and crochet around that age too. If you have never heard of feed sack fabric, it was very colorful cotton cloth that grain came in when I was a child.  I tried to find pictures and could not, but I found a page on Etsy where someone has vintage feed sack fabric if you want to see what that looks like.

Paper Crafting

The particular art for creativity and healing I want to focus on today is paper crafting and creating memory books. A month after Brandon died, I organized a scrap booking gathering at the Wellness Center where I was partial owner. Looking back, I was grasping at straws to keep my mind from going crazy. Grasping to DO because I was fearful just to BE.  Do you ever find yourself keeping busy just to keep from losing your mind over something?

After that first gathering, I didn’t do it again… I just continued to wander in a fog for quite a while after this. At work, it was easy to concentrate and maneuver through the day. At home I did color in coloring books for adults. Year two I began to branch out and I wanted more from my life. I joined a program to be a facilitator for Red Thread Circles and this included intuitive intentional creative art. A few months later, I found Cosmic Smashbooking. This is an intentional creativity program combining smash booking, art, a bit of journaling, and visionary work.

Now that I’ve made it through the two year mark, and I’m working with a Life Coach to get myself back into a better place, the arts are really calling my name. I’m honestly not an artist. However, I love to create. I’m working on being less critical of myself, so I now have an easel and canvas and have a desire to work on that… In the meantime:

Scrapbooking & More Paper Crafting

It seems I’m back to square one in regard to papercrafting. I’m ready to begin creating memory books again. I will start with Brandon. He has two children and I desire to preserve his memory and share with them what he was like growing up. They don’t know anything about him when he was younger. So I joined a company to get coordinated items and be able to start creating scrapbooks/memory books again. I really got into this particular creativity project about 20 years ago, but got away from it.

A few Saturdays ago I went to  a stamping group and totally loved it. I’m not sure if it was the interaction and group community I experienced, or the actual card making (I think maybe a combination of both), but I really enjoyed this so much. It has energized me to work on those books about Brandon and do some other creative things as well.

Art for Creativity and Healing

As I mentioned the stamping group I went to a few weeks ago, I want to point out that art for creativity and healing is a real way to help with stress, grief, pain, and burnout.  As I researched for this article, I found a few nice articles on art for creativity and healing. One is from US News, called the Power Of Creative Arts in Health and Healing.  I found another great article on Creative Wellness.  In this article the author shares how creativity promotes wellness. I was so interested in her article, I’ve just ordered her book, Craft to Heal, (found on Amazon).

What do you like to do as your art for creativity and healing? I have friends who quilt, friends who sew, friends who paint, friends who scrapbook and stamp… what is your favorite way to create?

Why I Write

As I write more in Authentically Joycelynn, it’s not my goal to talk people into doing what I do, or to show what I am doing is the “way to heal”. I’m sharing the best I can that I’m at a point in my life where I want to just be me. I see so many women hiding in a shell of who they want to be, but are afraid to BE who they are. Maybe you are concerned with what others think of you. Maybe you are afraid people won’t like who you really are inside. I’m here to share that it’s OK to be who you are. It’s OK to follow the dreams you have inside. It’s OK that everyone doesn’t agree with your choices.

I’d LOVE to hear from you. What is it you want to do with your life and you are afraid no one will understand? What is stopping you from letting go of self judgement and doubts? Email me anytime!

Be Well, Be Authentic. Be You

Joycelynn

 

 

 

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Authentically Joycelynn

 

This blog has been a very long time in the making. It’s not that I’ve been developing the site a long time, or that I even have written much on it yet. What I’m trying to say is much life has happened and a shift in my mindset to birth this work.

I’ve been on a journey. A very long painful journey; finding my way after the death of my firstborn, Sargent Michael Brandon Harrell. Brandon as he is known to everyone. I’ll share his story later, but he went to be with the Lord on January 17, 2017.

My husband and I were already realizing we needed to follow a more minimal lifestyle. We had read Marie Kondo’s book about the KonMari method of only keeping things that give you joy. This was in the fall of 2016. My life was too fast paced and I was thinking about what I could do to bring more peace and happiness into my life.

We had decluttered most of our kitchen and bedroom. I had found another word called “hygge”. (creating an environment of coziness in everything you do, a Danish word)

Fast forward to 2019, two years after experiencing the most traumatic thing a mother can experience, I found myself looking back on 2 years of being paralyzed in most all areas of my life. I had no idea how to get moving again. Mike and I had stopped minimizing, and our home looks cluttered again.

I had done NOTHING in my business for 2 years. I had not written much. I had done nothing with my essential oils business. My life consisted of going to work, and coming home to veg in my recliner. I really didn’t know how to move forward in my life. (I felt defeated by that since I was a wellness coach, and was guilting myself for staying stuck in my paralysis and grief.

I had become very angry with God, and my faith had tanked. My house was cluttered. My weight increased to be the most I had ever weighed. I was basically dying emotionally and didn’t care. Actually, I did care a little, and it was having that LITTLE measure of hope which was saving me when one day I received a letter that turned my life back around.

Early in January, 2019 I came home from work and had received a letter from a dear Facebook friend, Jessica Montgomery. She had enclosed a little bag of tea, and instructed me to get comfortable, and when I had time to really read her letter, to make the tea, and get cozy and comfy while I read.

Jessica began to share her life story with me, (she is married to a veteran), and how her life had dramatically changed a few years ago after being introduced to One To One Women Coaching Women. She sensed I may be ready to explore what I wanted my life to look like now. This organization has a component related to caregivers of veterans with traumatic issues. Brandon was no longer living, but I had been a caregiver to him and she felt I might benefit.

I applied for the program and was accepted! This felt so right for me, and I knew I was ready to do the self-work needed. After speaking to a few coaches, and filling out all the paperwork and questionnaires, I was matched with Laurie who is an absolutely awesome coach!

What I was looking for in a coach was someone who believed in a more natural lifestyle and someone who could help me get my business back on track. What I realized in the first coaching session was I needed to get my LIFE on track. ME… Not my business. Not yet, anyway. There was one question Laurie asked me and it has been life changing.

Laurie basically asked me to tell her when the last time I remembered experiencing real joy and happiness in my life. I immediately said before I married. To clarify: I have been basically happy in my marriage, (I mean, everyone works at marriage) and I had three of the best children anyone could have asked for. The reason for this answer was when I married, I officially stepped into a role of ministers wife and I found myself trying to fit into some mold to be accepted. I never felt I measured up to the “role”.

After our first session, it occurred to me that my joy and true happiness had ended long before getting married. I could trace my slow emotional demise back to age 12 when my family moved to a new home. I won’t get into the circumstances about all that in this post, but I began to be bullied when I entered 7th grade and this is something I had never experienced before…EVER. Bullying of some sort followed me all the way through middle school and high school. I experienced this at school and at church.

By the next week’s coaching session I had revisited my childhood mentally and made another discovery. This discovery has been KEY to unlocking years of self hate, low self esteem, and feelings of unworthiness and not being good enough. I decided it was time to address this and no longer allow it to be “my story”.

By the way, coaching is about moving FORWARD not psychoanalyzing the past. If you need deep psychoanalysis, you need a psychologist or psychotherapist, not a coach if you cannot work through this.

My exciting discovery is at some point between adolescence and adulthood I allowed my name to be shortened.  My full name before marriage was Mary Joycelynn Damron. Everyone I grew up with knows me as Joycelynn. My mother and some friends still call me this. As long as I can remember in my early adulthood, I dropped the lynn, and was called Joyce by everyone. I was Joyce in college. This wasn’t a conscious decision that I remember. It happened though. From that time forward until recently, I invited others to have a voice in how I lived my life. At some time in my early adulthood, I lost MY voice…I lost My joy… I lost Joycelynn… And I’ve found her again. I’m not letting go of her…ever again.

There was something very freeing about inviting “Joycelynn” back into my life…

This website is about finding my way back to me. I lost my way long before I lost my son. I settled and said yes when I meant no. I said no when I wanted to say yes… In so many areas of my life. I became someone who wanted to make sure my life measured up to others…To those who didn’t have a vote in my life, but somehow I gave them permission to have a vote.

I know by finding my voice and sharing it, this message will resonate with others of you who have lost your voice at some point in your life. I’m giving you permission to find it and take it back.

When my son died, I thought I did too. I didn’t realize I was already dying slowly. Going through this intense loss in my life has made me realize life is too short to try and please people. It’s too short to live a life that isn’t authentic. I have one life to live and I’ve decided to live as authentically as I can. To let my yes be yes, and my no be no. I’ve taken my joy back.

I’m Authentically Joycelynn…

A Ministry Wife’s Transparent Journey of Life, Loss, Doubt, & Faith