I was deeply moved by a recent article by Kate Powers titled “Beating the Bully”. It stirred up my own past history of hurt and deep rooted insecurity. Through great belief breakthrough coaching and completing several wellness coaching training programs, and REALLY understanding how GOD sees me, I am learning nothing but LIES clouded my thinking and self-esteem.
The Innocence Of Childhood
I remember being a very well adjusted, happy, healthy, self-confident child. I was totally blessed to be raised in a home where there was no sexual abuse, alcohol abuse, or any other dysfunctional abuse. We had a nice home, plenty of food, warm clothing, and heat in the winter. My parents loved us. Then we moved.
When I was 12 years old we moved to the country. The next door neighbors moved in as well. This was the summer before 7th grade. It was a great summer. I have twin brothers who are 3 years younger than I. The neighbors had 3 boys and a girl. The boys were 13, 12, 8, and the girl was 2. The other neighbor was a boy about 10. Everyone got along and I thought life couldn’t be better…until school started.
The Lies Start
The next door neighbors and I caught the bus at the same place. This is where the fun began. I wondered what happened to the fun guys I had played with all summer. They began to tease me. They called me jolly green giant, Mr. Green Jeans, Riceland (a dumb name instead of Joycelynn), and whatever they could think of. Soon, I endured teasing on the bus ride to and from school, and then they got their friends involved at school in this fun teasing. It gets better. We went to the same church. All of a sudden I was being made fun of at church. Then my mother spoke to their mother. That sealed the coffin. It only got worse from there. I wanted to die.
This really went on for years. Things started to slow down around 11th grade. My brothers were picking up the slack. I remember crying and leaving the dinner table every night as my brothers told me I was so ugly I would never find a boyfriend and get married. By the way, have you seen my senior picture? I’m using it as the photo for this story. I wasn’t ugly. No one is ugly. Things began to look up for me. As the neighbor boys began to get quiet, my brothers also found other things to do and I began to breathe. That perky outgoing young lady started appearing again.
The Tide Is Turning
At some point in my senior year “the guy” that EVERYONE wanted to date, the pastor’s son, 4 years older than I, took an interest in me. He was the guy “to die for”. Totally the most gorgeous guy I had ever known. What a boost that was to my self-esteem. We did date a few times. I needed that experience!
At some point I started dating…you will never believe it… the oldest next door neighbor. What was I thinking? I guess people change. Things change. This was an on again, off again thing. For 3 years. I thought I had found my soul mate.
The Nail in the Coffin
As I mentioned, this was an on again, off again relationship. I really didn’t understand the lack of commitment at the time. I do now. Somewhere near the end of this relationship I finally asked why things were so rocky. His answer: my mother doesn’t want me dating you. THOSE were the words to haunt me for most of my adult life.
What these words did to me was bring one overshadowing LIE to my life. That LIE was: I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH! Have you ever believed that lie about yourself? This lie has followed me most of my adult life. I went to college out of state and never again lived at home except for college breaks. I fell in love, married, had three children, and I was still trying to prove I was good enough. Anytime there was a major event like graduating from nursing school, getting a promotion, receiving a certification: I made sure that news was made public enough so I could prove to people there was nothing wrong with me and that I WAS good enough. I wanted his mother to know there was nothing wrong with me. How tragic to live so many years trying to prove myself.
God has really done a great work in my life. My eternal worth is priceless. The journey to freedom has been long and painful. Supporting our children to educate them on their Godly worth is imperative. I realize that I AM…. I am good enough. I am empowered. I am loved. I am strong. I AM… enough.
What lies have you believed? Many have lived a life of not being good enough and this stems from lies we believed about ourselves! There is hope! It’s time to realize your awesomeness! You ARE enough! Break those chains! Break EVERY chain that lies and binds! Do you want help with this? Not sure how to do this? Contact me… firstname.lastname@example.org